Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
