she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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