i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
