the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
