plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My ass is underappreciated
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
