Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
