I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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