a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
