I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
