you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
