my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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