Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
