i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
