My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I forgot how hot balto sounded
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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