im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
