I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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