im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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