I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
