I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
