I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
