Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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