It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize