I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
