If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he thought i was a dude.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize