Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
