i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
