the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize