Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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