were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
