I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
