I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have fence marks all over my body
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
