You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
