I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
