Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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