Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
