Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
