How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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