Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
