I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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