2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
