Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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