Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
