Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
my nose is crying tears of wow.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
