That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
