I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
