I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
