i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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