Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize