am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
