I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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