My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
