Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He felt like a one man threesome
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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