my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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