apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
