I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
