i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
