Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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