She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
